shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
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pat pat
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Fidel Castro was alive?
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters