Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?

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If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.


[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue


My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.


“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*


Fairly certain this toddler staring at me across this waiting room wants to start some shit.


i’m gonna build my house on your house and if you even come close to my house that’s attached to your house, we’ll attack you..

– bees


Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.


[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself”

*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*

I’m a risk taker


The only way I’m letting you in my house is if you end up being 200 pancakes stacked in a trench coat.


date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve