Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@JohnMayer

Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?

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@DaddyJew

I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo

@Pink

There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot

@Sanbel11

-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you

@KentWGraham

If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.

@Home_Halfway

It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.

@bonesher

i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.

@mattZillaaaa

*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing

Please, I have a family

Or a random funny tweet