@JohnMayer

Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?

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@michaelianblack

Any celebrities who are thinking of dying soon, please befriend me so I can relate a moving and humorous anecdote when you pass.

@iGreenMonk

Because of Twitter, people use words like Twitterverse, Tweeple, and Twitcide.

Which makes me want to twoot myself in the face.

@liv_thatsme

I don’t like how far I have to scroll down when I enter my birth year online.

@pilau

My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right

@crylenol

What idiot named him Spider-Man instead of Peter Parkour?

@Browtweaten

Doctor: You’re sick

Me: Yeah?

Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough

Me: Awww

@Shade510

Just found out my wife is pregnant.

Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus