Any celebrities who are thinking of dying soon, please befriend me so I can relate a moving and humorous anecdote when you pass.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
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Because of Twitter, people use words like Twitterverse, Tweeple, and Twitcide.
Which makes me want to twoot myself in the face.
I don’t like how far I have to scroll down when I enter my birth year online.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
What idiot named him Spider-Man instead of Peter Parkour?
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Doctor: You’re sick
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus