One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
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The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk