@JohnMayer

Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?

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@jjhartinger

If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.

@KandyKoehn

[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue

@Bob_Janke

My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.

@DanMentos

“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”

@R0ckG0d88

Fairly certain this toddler staring at me across this waiting room wants to start some shit.

@DiscoFruit

i’m gonna build my house on your house and if you even come close to my house that’s attached to your house, we’ll attack you..

– bees

@1Happytwit

Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.

@dafloydsta

[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself”

*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*

I’m a risk taker

@solsayswhaaa

The only way I’m letting you in my house is if you end up being 200 pancakes stacked in a trench coat.

@CornOnTheGoblin

date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve