@michaelianblack Any celebrities who are thinking of dying soon, please befriend me so I can relate a moving and humorous anecdote when you pass.
@JohnMayer Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
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@michaelianblack 
@iGreenMonk Because of Twitter, people use words like Twitterverse, Tweeple, and Twitcide.
Which makes me want to twoot myself in the face.
@liv_thatsme I don’t like how far I have to scroll down when I enter my birth year online.
@InfernalWheel Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
@pilau My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
@rad_milk yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
@crylenol What idiot named him Spider-Man instead of Peter Parkour?
@better_off_dad2 When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
@Browtweaten Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
@Shade510 Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus