Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
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me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Childbirth is so beautiful
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.