Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
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Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Real House Wines.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
the battle rages on
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?