Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
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Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
THE AUDACITY. 😤
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop