Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
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How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
*exercises sarcastically*
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.