Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
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Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.