Shout out to sidewalks.

Thanks for keeping me off the streets.

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At this point, I’m pretty sure the main reason Donald Trump ran for president was to get more Twitter followers


I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.


Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.

And throw them.


Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter


I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.


Oh, lovely. You’re doing your jogging in the street. Where cars drive.


Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.


When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”


[blind date]

HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets

ME: Oh wow, me too!

HER: Really?

ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?