@thejessbess

Shout out to sidewalks.

Thanks for keeping me off the streets.

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@briangaar

At this point, I’m pretty sure the main reason Donald Trump ran for president was to get more Twitter followers

@SadieSkyNinja

I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.

@theabstractass

Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.

And throw them.

@TheDrunkJake

Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter

@MauriceBlitz

I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.

@thestlouisan

Oh, lovely. You’re doing your jogging in the street. Where cars drive.

@TheAlexP

Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.

@Cheeseboy22

When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets

ME: Oh wow, me too!

HER: Really?

ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?