Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
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Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more