It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
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Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!