Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
You Might Also Like
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
My dog learned how to text
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Attacked by a mop.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?