Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.

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I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.


[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”


The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor


Nice try, dogs who wear “Please Don’t Pet Me, I’m Working” vests.


ME: I’ll have the steak

WAITER: with pleasure

ME: um no, with steak sauce


me: *swimming in nile* u dont think there are any alligators in here right

friend: no

me: *eaten alive by crocodiles*

friend: alligators aren’t indigenous to africa


I was pretty excited about this box of elbows before I saw that it was only macaroni.


[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”


“Musically,I was inspired by the fax machine.” – Nicki Minaj