I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
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[sees kid crying in the mall]
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
Nice try, dogs who wear “Please Don’t Pet Me, I’m Working” vests.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
me: *swimming in nile* u dont think there are any alligators in here right
me: *eaten alive by crocodiles*
friend: alligators aren’t indigenous to africa
I was pretty excited about this box of elbows before I saw that it was only macaroni.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
“Musically,I was inspired by the fax machine.” – Nicki Minaj