Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
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CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*