@sass_n_ass

Shout out to the ampersand for always being willing to stand in the gap & help make our tweets complete by giving back those extra two lette

You Might Also Like

@alicegoldfuss

ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait

@Shut_up_Marissa

Me: I’m so tired.

Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.

Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!

@donni

Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free

@mydmac

(At the dentist)

‘Your grinding isn’t good.’

Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.

@meganamram

Fun fact: Peanut butter also sticks to the roof of your ex-husband’s BMW

@TheAlexP

*dog pokes me with nose*

*stop, it’s late*

(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)

*ugh, ok*

[sets up poker table for him and his friends]

@knotaprettygirl

Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.

@MomOnFire

Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.

Loan Officer: Proposed name?

WP: Hamwitches

[long pause]

LO: Hell yes.

@shkeeber

There’s no easy way to tell someone you lost their kid in a high stakes game of duck duck goose.