Shout out to the ampersand for always being willing to stand in the gap & help make our tweets complete by giving back those extra two lette

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ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait


Me: I’m so tired.

Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.

Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!


Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free


(At the dentist)

‘Your grinding isn’t good.’

Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.


Fun fact: Peanut butter also sticks to the roof of your ex-husband’s BMW


*dog pokes me with nose*

*stop, it’s late*

(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)

*ugh, ok*

[sets up poker table for him and his friends]


Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.


Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.

Loan Officer: Proposed name?

WP: Hamwitches

[long pause]

LO: Hell yes.


There’s no easy way to tell someone you lost their kid in a high stakes game of duck duck goose.