Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
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A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind