ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
Shout out to the ampersand for always being willing to stand in the gap & help make our tweets complete by giving back those extra two lette
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Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Fun fact: Peanut butter also sticks to the roof of your ex-husband’s BMW
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
LO: Hell yes.
There’s no easy way to tell someone you lost their kid in a high stakes game of duck duck goose.