@SamuelHLowe

Shout out to the creepy guy sitting in your bedroom chair who turns into clothes as soon as you turn on the lights.

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@pplwtching

If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?

Now security is showing me out.

@badbanana

I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.

@shanselman

11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O

@BavlyOlwy

Whoever lost a bundle of $20 bills tied up in a rubber band..I found the rubber band..

@SondraDeeMe

WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*

@Discourt

As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….

@SteveKoehler22

“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.

But I was able to remove all the stingers.

So yes, my pullout game is strong.

@ermahgarton

a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men

@UnFitz

Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.

@truegritrumble

(Show and Tell)

TEACHER: What do you have to show today?

ME: My pet.

TEACHER: Let’s see it then.

ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!

*the earth begins to shake*