If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Shout out to the creepy guy sitting in your bedroom chair who turns into clothes as soon as you turn on the lights.
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I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Whoever lost a bundle of $20 bills tied up in a rubber band..I found the rubber band..
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.
But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*