BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
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Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Me trying to reach for my goals
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
WHY?!
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
dads on road-trips be like
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday