I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
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HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?