How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
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Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Tonight’s bedtime story was about three pigs struggling with repeat home invasions. Thanks for the new fear.
a professional thief tries to steal my wallet but i’m wearing skinny jeans so his hand just gets stuck in my pocket
I just found out my mum didn’t know how to set the clock on their new microwave. So they stayed up until midnight & then plugged it in
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.