Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
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Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
What?
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
there’s probably a fee though
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that