[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
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We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they’ll dig the wrong way. It’s called thinking ahead guys.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
You have been warned.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
This is just the most tragical thing that has ever happened to me.
-Me eating tofu
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.