Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.

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[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]

“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”


We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they’ll dig the wrong way. It’s called thinking ahead guys.


SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical

ME: Oh no

SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut


If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.


I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.


I fell in love with a female electrician.

…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.


2nd Rule of Parent Club:

If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.


This is just the most tragical thing that has ever happened to me.

-Me eating tofu