Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
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I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.