@dumbbeezie

Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days

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@dogheadcoffee

You got acute appendicitis ..

No, YOU got a cute appendicitis *winks at doctor*

@XAIMMadellynne

Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.

He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.

@thatdutchperson

DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.

ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*

@mattZillaaaa

*drops pizza slice on the floor

Hey can I get another slice?

*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice

@22_Minutes

Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.

@markedly

[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?

@pixelatedboat

You (dumb, hasn’t seen Fight Club): If I buy things I’ll be happy
Me (smart, has seen Fight Club): I’m going to punch someone in a basement