@dumbbeezie

Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days

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@caliluvgirl77

What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!

When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!

@TheIronSherk

Judge: plz tell the court what happened

Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]

Judge: that doesn’t hold any water

@ThatgyalKrys

Black Mirror really outdid themselves this time. Having us EXPERIENCE season 6 instead of watching it on Netflix? Remarkable really

@batkaren

*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth

@Gupton68

Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.

@just1fool

There are two sides to every story. My side and the right side.

@pizzaguyjay

How do you know you’re allergic to cats if you don’t even eat them?

@clindsaysway

*helping son with math problem*

[hour later]

JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!

@BoozeWallet

[Mesozoic era]

God: if u can’t spell ur name you’re going extinct

Jellyfish: seems fair

Pterodactyl: [to Brachiosaurus] this is bullshit