@junejuly12

Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant

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@gwatts77

Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.

@AbbyHasIssues

I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.

@bsnc64

“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”

Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”

@imdaintyaf

Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.

@ClichedOut

Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.

@murrman5

[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”

@imVig

Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?nTeller: well, yes!nn*Teller shot in the head*nThief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?nMe: No. But my wife did!

@samalmightysam

The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.

@causticbob

I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.

I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.