Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.

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Day 1: injected self with mouse DNA

Day 2: ate 12 blocks of cheese

Day 3: 15 blocks

Day 4: experiment is failure; no observable changes


My wife just walked into a huge spider web.

She is now a black belt in karate.


as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money


I don’t suffer insomnia like most tweeters do.

I always get a solid 7, maybe 8 minutes of sleep every night.


[Throwing a ball for my dog]

Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though


*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*


My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes