Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
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“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Me recordaron éste meme
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
s
oc
i
a
l
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!