*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
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“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
What about a To-Don’t List?
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
#oldknees
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.