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Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands