Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
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Hey! This isn’t my car!
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
rise and shine we got egg
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews