@WalkingOutside

Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.

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@Dawn_M_

Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.

@TheAlexNevil

The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.

@ArfMeasures

PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes

[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal

@BrownDogBlanket

On Sundays, tweet random things like “that’s not a touchdown” and “ref you suck” to confuse football fans about which game you’re watching.

@prufrockluvsong

earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that

@ThaJawn

(Animal spelling bee)

Owl: Your word is Mississippi

Snake: M I Sssssss Sssssssss

Badger: *in audience* OH FFS THIS IS GONNA TAKE FOREVER

@simoncholland

You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.

@delusions_of

We’re born alone. We die alone. And in between we search for our car keys alone.

@TheFearBoners

I wouldn’t let you touch me with a 10 foot pole! No seriously, why do you have a 10 foot pole?! THAT’S NOT NORMAL!

@shot_of_cabo

Why do people call the deceased “late”?
They aren’t late..
They aren’t coming.