Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
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The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
On Sundays, tweet random things like “that’s not a touchdown” and “ref you suck” to confuse football fans about which game you’re watching.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
(Animal spelling bee)
Owl: Your word is Mississippi
Snake: M I Sssssss Sssssssss
Badger: *in audience* OH FFS THIS IS GONNA TAKE FOREVER
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
We’re born alone. We die alone. And in between we search for our car keys alone.
I wouldn’t let you touch me with a 10 foot pole! No seriously, why do you have a 10 foot pole?! THAT’S NOT NORMAL!
Why do people call the deceased “late”?
They aren’t late..
They aren’t coming.