“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
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The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
sugar glider wrangler
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
I just tested negative for patience.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes