Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
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the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.