Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
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Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
I’m giving up for Lent.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
my nickname in college
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.