Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
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“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Lmbo
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed