My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
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GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Oh deer
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist