My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
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cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.