Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
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Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.