Shoutout to all the introverts! Hey! Where’re you going?!! Come here!

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My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream


If you’re the kinda person that gets antsy when people stand on an escalator instead of walking, try a blood curdling scream, they’ll move.


COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think


Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats


trainer: how long can you plank?

me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh


I parked in the “C” section of the parking lot.

So, naturally, I had to climb out of the sunroof.


Her: Choke me!

Me, sexual deviant: Hands her a couple of buttermilk biscuits.


My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.


Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.


Guys, you can have Girl Scout cookies delivered.

I’m not crying, you’re crying.