@tsm560

Shoutout to all the introverts! Hey! Where’re you going?!! Come here!

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@bader_diedrich

My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream

@FuckabillyRex

If you’re the kinda person that gets antsy when people stand on an escalator instead of walking, try a blood curdling scream, they’ll move.

@ArfMeasures

COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think

@KyleMcDowell86

Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats

@capnwatsisname

trainer: how long can you plank?

me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh

@TylerComeOn

I parked in the “C” section of the parking lot.

So, naturally, I had to climb out of the sunroof.

@whiskeyinadram

Her: Choke me!

Me, sexual deviant: Hands her a couple of buttermilk biscuits.

@MelvinofYork

My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.

@BlindChow

Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.

@reputathebeauta

Guys, you can have Girl Scout cookies delivered.

I’m not crying, you’re crying.