FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
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coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Happy Thanksgiving
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.