Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
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How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job