I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
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How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Butt weight. There’s more!
Jesus:*turns water into wine
Guy: thanks but I’m in AA, I’ll just have the water
J: *not knowing how to turn it back* well this is awkward
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Is a bath relaxing for Michael Phelps or does it just feel like he’s at work
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Them: you shouldn’t be tweeting about sex cuz you’re a mom
Mfer how do you think I became a mom?