@JanelSantaCruz

Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.

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@Darlainky

I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.

@robfee

How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes

@DaddyJew

Jesus:*turns water into wine

Guy: thanks but I’m in AA, I’ll just have the water

J: *not knowing how to turn it back* well this is awkward

@Ivsy01

When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.

@Gupton68

Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.

*moves to Fiji*

@AaronFullerton

Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.

@jenstatsky

Is a bath relaxing for Michael Phelps or does it just feel like he’s at work

@CheryeDavis

I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…

@turtledumplin

Them: you shouldn’t be tweeting about sex cuz you’re a mom

Mfer how do you think I became a mom?