Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.

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I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.


How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car


Jesus:*turns water into wine

Guy: thanks but I’m in AA, I’ll just have the water

J: *not knowing how to turn it back* well this is awkward


When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.


Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.

*moves to Fiji*


Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.


Is a bath relaxing for Michael Phelps or does it just feel like he’s at work


I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…


Them: you shouldn’t be tweeting about sex cuz you’re a mom

Mfer how do you think I became a mom?