shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
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in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Ovenable?
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.