Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.