[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
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*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.