Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
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There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God