Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
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I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY