Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night

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This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.


First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.

(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)


I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.


All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.


[first date]

Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey

Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman

Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible


The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?


I like to make things awkward on first dates just by shouting “wrong hole!!” at inappropriate times, like when you’re eating.


Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.


ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.