@novicefather

Shoutout to that one time I confused narcolepsy and necrophilia during a job interview.

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@VanVeenB

If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan….

She’s a keeper!

@Izianikapani

My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.

@vanillavial

Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string

@fuzzlime

I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race

@MrsTomServo

To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”

@sarcasticmommy4

*walking into store*

Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*

Marriage level: Expert

@surrealvehicle

[Lingerie store]

ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.