@novicefather

Shoutout to that one time I confused narcolepsy and necrophilia during a job interview.

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@ch000ch

this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning

@LostFelicia

There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.

@lifeattiffanys

Teaching my kid math like:

If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?

@blitz2six

The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.

@IamTMoS

I asked mom once how she knew dad was “the one”.
“because,” she replied, “DNA tests don’t lie.”

@_TayTayJustine

Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.

Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.

@AmericanGent69

Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.

@GloriaFallon123

Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with