Shoutout to that one time I confused narcolepsy and necrophilia during a job interview.

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this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning


There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.


Teaching my kid math like:

If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?


The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.


I asked mom once how she knew dad was “the one”.
“because,” she replied, “DNA tests don’t lie.”


Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.

Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.


Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.


Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with