The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
You Might Also Like
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Challenge accepted.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.