@novicefather

Shoutout to that one time I confused narcolepsy and necrophilia during a job interview.

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@gavinmind

“I’m LLLLLLLLLATE!”

– Tony the Tiger’s wife

@HomeWithPeanut

Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?

Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-

Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!

Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.

@birbigs

I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics

@TeaPainUSA

Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.

@martyntanton

My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”

I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”

@recursivetaco

Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:

I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?

@Sickayduh

“Happy birthday! ”

– Oh wow! A necklace! I love- wait… Did you get me a fake diamond?

“Well, it’s not really your 29th birthday either”

@rachelaxler

he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?

@MamanyaDana

That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit