not seeing the problem
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My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.