shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
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This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
security at the airport getting more straightforward
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Put my back out twerking in the library again
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!