Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
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and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas