Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
You Might Also Like
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
My boss told me: “Dress for the job you want…” so there will be a stormtrooper at tomorrow morning’s meeting.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Personal trainer: Have you ever done a marathon?
Me: Like on Netflix?
You know that warm feeling you get when you look at your spouse? It’s called acid reflux.