Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
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it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
August 8
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math