Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
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“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
How is it still this week?
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Never forget.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
President The Rock Obama
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.