Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
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Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky