SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
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I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*