SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
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I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked