I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
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My work here is don’t.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start