*Shoves a guy*

I think you mean the SECOND biggest “The Sound of Music” fan on earth, bro.

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Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol

Pentagon: he’s getting too close


Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet


my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope


gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*


Little known fact: Fergie stopped making music cuz she ran out of words she knew how to spell.


Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best


My neighbour finally confronted me about clothes missing from her washing line.

I nearly shit her pants.


The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.


Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins

Me: i’m taking a plane Linda


Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:

“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”