*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
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“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time