*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
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Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Merica.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.